A Rekindled Affair

I was going to warn you about the subject of this blog, but then in fairness if you guys were screamish or freaked out about how much I talk about poo and such you wouldn’t be reading it. I am after all going through a journey that involves my bowels.
When I was ill and had UC me and the toilet would spend many a traumatic hour together, sometimes I’d read or write in my journal whilst my bum was going cold; other times would see me crying from pain. Alas the toilet has been there at all times of the morning and has been with me through some of my darkest hours.
Whilst having my stoma, I started to drift from the toilets cold embrace; I simply didn’t need to spend time there any more. Having a bag meant that when I needed to go, I emptied and that was it.
So now I’m out of hospital and getting used to using my bowels again; the, ahem, normal way, the toilet has welcomed me back
“Hey Steph, I know this is painful right now and you’re sad because you feel you’re back to square one but its fine! I’m here for you man”
And bless, it really is.
We’ve been spending many an uncomfortable hour whilst I try to rid myself of this terrible gas.  The surgeon totally did not warn me. He said
“You will produce more gas than your average person, and your bowels will take some time getting used to everything”
which in reality actually means
“You will feel like you’re about to explode, when you do fart for the first time it may feel like you’re about to lift off from the toilet in a rocket like motion. Don’t be worried about the pain, it will feel like you’re trying to give birth through your anal canal but it does get better with time. Also don’t be worried that you feel and look like a pregnant woman, it too will pass once your bowel gets used to everything”
Albeit if he did tell me this I might not have been so willing to go for the surgery but man this wind is killing me.
Back to my affair with the toilet, I’m getting through some quite good books on here, I’ve learnt to do a fishtail braid in my hair and I’ve also managed to french braid my hair at the front (where my fringe is) as opposed to the singular braid down the back.
I am using my time wisely I feel. Perhaps I should get onto the Greek Lessons whilst on the toilet. I reckon with all the time I’m in there, I could be fluent in 3 months 😀

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