“You can sound the alarm, you can call out your guards
you can fence in your yard, you can pull all the cards
but I won’t back down, oh no I wont back down” Eminem, Won’t Back Down
What a week.
I have been tested in unimaginable ways. To be told that I don’t have cancer or have to have surgery, to be then told I have chronic pouchitis. That I will be on long term antibiotics, and that my pouch will always give me problems.
All in a few days.
My surgeon was not best pleased. “Why does it always happen to the loveliest of people” with those words I broke into tears in total agreement, why? Why does it have to happen to me? Why do I get all this bad luck my way? Tears streaming down my face and so many questions in my eyes.
He must get it a lot for he took it all in his stride telling me that life wasn’t far but we’re just going to have to get on through it.
This week has told me that it’s okay to have a break down. I am after all, human. I can’t be strong all the time, and with everything that I am facing, its completely normal to gorge on chocolate, having it smeared over my face, mingled with the tears as I sobbed “Why me?”
Obviously that wasn’t what really happened, I just watched TV and, respectably, ate some chocolate.
As The Boy pointed out, most people would have quit a long time ago, so its completely fine to take the odd timeout.
The Boy has been amazing as always. Piecing together my broken spirit with his calm soothing words. His support is unwavering, which means the absolute world to me.
He may not be the most vocal of fellows, or the most opinionated but he is always there, his presence always felt.
Taking a day to allow myself to feel completely broken has allowed me to feel stronger about everything. It pushed me to apply for my Australian Visa.
Sure I may go through more than my fair share of bad luck but its what I make of it. I can sit and wonder why or I can live my life. I can be sad and miserable about it or I can continue being happy with all the amazing things that I do have in my life.
This is just another hurdle in the road I am following. I will overcome this, there’s the fodmap diet that I am going to try and no doubt document my journey.
And if my visa gets approved then I will finally be on my way to Australia.
Things are on the look up, I just need to trust it and believe in myself. I can overcome anything if I try hard enough. I’ve never given up before, I sure won’t stop now.