I have had many people stick things up my bum.
You never forget the first.
I was in Bournemouth at the time and luck have it had a female doctor.
For some reason it never occurred to me that having bowel trouble the doctor might want to see my bum so when she said “I’m going to give you a rectal examination” I giggled nervously, then stopped when she couldn’t meet my eye and I realised she wasn’t joking.
Sensing that I was nervous she asked me to hop on the bed, pull my pants down, lie on my left side and pull my knees up to my chest.
I was staring at the wall trying to think of anything but what was about to happen.
“Okay Stephanie, just relax”
“Shopping, erm I need to get milk, bread, eggs HOLY COW HER FINGERS ARE UP MY ARSE”
And then it was over.
I’ve had many more examinations since then, and they have all been by men. It has never really bothered me because I’ve always been so ill at the time that I couldn’t care less what was stuck up my anal canal and who by.
However, I will say, when your doctor is extremely hot, then it becomes an issue.
Just before I had my stoma and I was in hospital for 2 weeks, I was visited by many doctors and surgeons. More so surgeons, as if they were trying to prepare me for what was happening. That, and the fact that I was in a lot of hospital discussions and I’m sure many doctors wanted to see what was happening. I had been the youngest patient they had who was about to have an ileostomy due to UC.
I was sitting on my bed reading Elle. My skin at the time had become a tired with grey, yellow tinge. I was bloated and puffy from being pumped with medications and all my arms were covered in black bruises from too many blood tests.
In walks a surgeon so good looking he looked like a prince from a disney movie.
I was so speechless I didn’t realise he had introduced himself and was waiting for me to go over the gory details of how many times I was going to the toilet and the consistency of my poo.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, when he said he’d like to take a look I almost refused.
Bowel doctors should not be good looking. Ever.
A sigmoidoscopy is where a camera is put up the anal canal to see the first part of your colon. My first examination was not as intense as I thought, but that was because I was in remission at the time and so the most shocking thing was actually being able to see your insides.
However to see the extent of my illness I had to have a colonoscopy. That my friends rendered me to tears and I was screaming “give me sedation”. I was in full flare at the time and your bowel is not straight so you have to be moved around the table so the camera can go round the bends. I had to get a nurse to help me because the pain I was experiencing was unreal. They have to put air into your colon to open it up so they can see. I can hazily remember looking at the screen and seeing ulcers all the way through and when they took a biopsy it bled profusely.
The biopsy process is a little mind boggling and the only way to describe it is this little mechanic arm that shoots out opens, then closes shut and taking a piece of your bowel with it. Mental.
With every procedure I have, I am still not prepared for when doctors wipe my bum. Yes, they have to because lube is used, could you imagine a dry finger up your bum? No thanks, you have to make that procedure as comfortable as possible. the first time a doctor did that to me he patted my backside after, almost like a father does to his child. The only doctor that has ever done that is my surgeon, and as I trust him with my life, a little bottom pat is allowed from The Great One.