People of the blog world. I have not left you.
Its just that sometimes, its really difficult to write a post when its the same old thing. I feel like poopie (pun not intended) and I get bored of writing about how ill I feel. I get bored of the same “I will not let this beat me and I will continue to live my life to the fullest” speech. As I typed that I imagined I was dressed like a Spartan, on a hill, wind billowing through my hair fist raised. HOOHAAA!!!
The sad truth is that sometimes this illness kicks my ass and sometimes I don’t have the strength to be all “I can beat this”.
When I’m in those frames of mind there is no point in writing a post. However, I will tell those that suffer from IBD it is completely natural to have these days/weeks/months.
There will be times where you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and just have a day, or several, where you eat things you know you shouldn’t be eating, or, like me, go on a massive three day bender. You need to experience these things to a) let off some steam and b) realise that no, you shouldn’t be doing these things because it is so hard to come back from.
I have thrown my diet and drinking out the window because I just wanted to feel normal. I wanted to eat a hotdog on the Jubilee weekend and get drunk like everyone else.
Usually when I have moments like these I wake up and think “Man I shouldn’t have done that” and I feel guilty.
Not this time. This time I’m happy that I let off the steam because it was stressing me out. The more I knew I shouldn’t have that chocolate, the more I wanted it. Same with the booze, I was seriously craving a beer and this weekend I completely cut loose.
What I have learnt is that there is no point in my craving to “be like everyone else” You know why? Because I’m not!!!
The last time I checked the majority of the population still have their large intestine!
I have a disease and I need to learn to take care of myself and I needed to have the time out so I can fully realise the damage that I am causing to myself.
Right now my antibiotics are not working. I’m still in the bathroom at least 8 times a day and I wake up twice in the night. Its easy for me to cut loose and just have a little bit of freedom because even if I was sticking to the diet, I’d still be in the bathroom 8 plus, times a day and still be in pain.
I should celebrate how “not-normal” I am. This disease does not define me but it has taught me that the strength I have within me is unreal. I show so much more compassion for life than I used to. My need and want to help people has increased tenfold and I am so grateful for all the little things in life that can bring me and my loved ones joy.
Those of us with IBD should celebrate being different because I know a lot of us out there have so many amazing qualities that most people our ages do not.
Through this I guess what I’m saying is that its okay to have those days where you want to feel like everyone else but just remember, its our differences that make us unique.
And on that note, before I change my meds and have to sort out my diet, I am going to get that cheeseburger that I have been craving so badly!