As I sit to type this, I have about 5 unfinished blog posts in draft for this blog and 3 for Oh No Not Another Blogger.
Because my head is a crazy mess and I can’t sit still to sort it out for more than 10 minutes. The level of restlessness I have been experiencing is paramount. I have so many ideas, so many thoughts to share that trying to get them all out is becoming annoyingly frustrating. I start to type one thing, which then ends up being something else, that isn’t quite what I wanted to say in the first place and I get irritable and have to leave it alone.
I know as a writer – I still feel like an absolute liar when I utter those words and want to erase them whenever I type them – that to get better, I must write. No matter how shit I think it is or how shit it actually is, I won’t get better unless I practice. I won’t find what works for me, or what other people enjoy reading or even help others with their journey unless I write.
I’m finding it difficult to write at the moment, which is bizarre because I have a lot of time to be able to do so. All I wanted was time to write and now it’s here, its proving to be quite arduous. There are countless ‘could be’ explanations as to why this is the case. I’m on medications which are altering my state of mind and my body is broken. I don’t really know why when I sit to write, I keep typing and erasing or sitting and staring at my screen.
It is maddening and I am hoping that I can slowly push through it, pretty much like everything else that’s happening in my life at the moment.
Onto the post at hand. 2015 you’ve been a bit of a chaotic one haven’t you?
Generally I don’t like to make a comment on the whole of the year. Good and bad situations will arise however the universe sees fit, however, 2015 was the first year that I spent back in the UK after my stint in Australia and it just so happened that time wise, my first year back coincided with the New Year 2015.
It has been turbulent to say the least. I was in and out of hospital pretty much from the get go, March saw me in with tests for my liver, April gave me an over night stay in St George’s for a mini stroke and September kept me in St Thomas’ for a week with Jaundice.
I was officially diagnosed with Autoimmune Hepatitis in July but its been suspected that I’ve had it since 2009 and was just none the wiser.
My J-Pouch, though its been a little bit bratty this year, hasn’t given me too many complications, and going forward looks to be keeping its shit together. I went on an awesome holiday to Portugal, I’ve met some incredible people this year and found some beautiful friendships. One of my besties came over from Australia and lived in London for a little bit, I miss her greatly, and some existing friendships/relationships have blossomed, I’m looking at you Sy, your support this year has been phenomenal.
Though these days you can find me struggling through the stream of shit that life throws at me with an inconceivable look of befuddlement on my face, I have so much to be grateful for. My friends and family continue to be a tremendous source of support for me, I have so, so, so many beautiful people in my life and most importantly, I am alive. There are days where it hurts, and scarily days where I don’t want to be, but I am still here fighting.
2016 is the continuation of a long journey for me and my health. Hopefully a road which entails more good days than bad. I believe it’ll be a slow one. Probably a pretty boring one, but hopefully one filled with lots of love and care.
So to all my beautiful friends and family, raise your glasses with me, I hope yours is filled with champagne, mine is with Schloer, the adult soft drink (insert laughing smiley with tears here)
Here’s to the end of 2015, I hope that you can look back on it and find some beautiful memories to celebrate.
Here’s to 2016, a New Year. For those who wish for it to be a new start, a place to implement new habits, my very best to you. I hope you achieve them. For those who abhor the idea of New Year New Me, may you continue to build upon all that you have achieved already and for those with no fucks to give, just have a drink for me will you?
But for all of you I wish you happiness, in whatever that may be. I wish you all to be as healthy as you possible can, I wish you all to sparkle brighter that damn unicorn that poops glitter.
Here’s to 2016,