I am not a woe is me kinda gal; I’m a Pick myself up, up and at ’em kinda gal.
Today has pushed me to a limit I did not know I had.
I was this close *puts fingers together so they are almost touching* to having a mental break down. To going to the nearest bar, getting so smashed off my face that I couldn’t see. To going back home to bed, flippin’ the middle finger to the world and not emerging for a very long time.
Today I was told that I have a cyst on my ovary. That they usually go away by themselves but mine is so big I require surgery to remove it.
You have read that correctly.
It can be removed laparoscopically (key hole) or by opening up a small area by my pubic bone. My cyst is so large that its looking to be the second option. There is the choice of going key hole and draining the cyst but my dear cyst has built chambers within it so it can’t be drained.
When my gynecologyst told me I would most probably have to have surgery I laughed. She said she was sorry and couldn’t believe I was taking the news so well.
What else could I have done?
Burst into tears and say “why me?” No its just not my style.
I won’t lie to you all, I am very upset about this. If we’re going on the basis of karma, I have done nothing wrong to deserve this constant stream of shit.
If its fate and my life is mapped out before me and I am meant to be going through this to somehow achieve something, I’d rather sit this one out thanks. Unless the trials are to be superwoman or some sort of bionic lady, its not worth it.
Four surgeries in under two years.
As this surgery is not laparascopic it means I will have increased recovery time. In relation to my running it means I will have to sit out 12 weeks.
How am I meant to train for a 10k if I can’t train for 3 months?
All day my mind was a mess. How do I pick myself up after this? How am I meant to do what I usually do, give myself a pep talk and battle on through when all I keep thinking is why? What have I done to deserve this?
All I wanted from life was to go to uni, get a degree, go travelling and then get an acting job. I love to act, its my passion and I wanted to do something that I loved. I wanted to settle down with someone I loved and just earn a living doing something I enjoyed.
Why is it that so many people go through life with the things that they want just landing in their lap with no complications?
Today I had a choice. I could break down or I could pick myself up and I could get on with it.
And without realising, I had already picked myself up and got on with it. How? Because I laughed when the Dr told me I had to have surgery. I didn’t cry, I didn’t go silent I just laughed and said “wow” and asked some questions.
As much as I want to sit cry and eat a crap load of ice cream (which by the way I can’t do because my pouch will get angry) I know deep down I won’t because its just not me.
I’m starting believe that not everything happens for a reason, but just because it is happening does not mean I can’t do something with it.
My life right now is totally messed. My health is in tatters and I’m a teensy bit scared that I might not have a job at the end of it. I am after all still on probation and 4 hospital appointments in the space of two weeks with an impending surgery, would you still want me on your books?
But fuck it man. This is happening and I have no means to control it so I might as well make the best out of a bad situation. I have amazing friends and family, I have a wonderful boyfriend who has supported me through some seriously bad times.
In relation to my running journey, sure I may not be able to run it completely, I may have to walk the majority, but I will make sure I will be in that race.
You will see me cross that finish line with a smile on my face, because even though I have had the worst luck, and a whole heap of shit thrown in my face, I have set my mind on achieving something and I will see it through to the end. I am not a quitter. I am a fighter and I’ve always said I won’t let colitis beat me so why would I let something as small as a cyst stop me?