I need to write, I need to vent.
I can feel the adrenaline rush through my veins making my hands tremble. Writing soothes me, the text that flows calms my racing heart.
I am going through something really hard at the moment and the emotions that are running through me are indescribable.
I know that planning is pointless but when you’re given a date for something you plan for it dont you? You dont for see that it might no actually happen
“its okay you’ll have it soon”
“Hey least you’re still having it aye?”
Sometimes I want to be able to hibernate. To not talk to people for a while.
Though I know that someone out there needs this surgery more than I, though I am fully aware its just a month.
But its added time till I can feel normal again
Till I can wear jeans and not worry about anything, till I can feel sexy for my boyfriend with out any clothes on. To not look at my stomach and wonder whether people can see my bag. Whether people know what it is or just think I may be a little podgy on one side. To shower properly. To exercise properly, to sit down and not have to re adjust myself. To deal with normal issues a 22 year old feels about themselves instead of wondering if their bag has puffed out because of food.
To hug people and not feel scared that they might be pushing on my intestine.
I miss hugging people, instead of slanting my body slightly.
Trust me Im grateful. I am because this operation saved my life but it came with a lot of baggage, if you know what I mean 😉