10.01.11 Surgery.

One Week and part of a day in Hospital.
Im out of the hospital and into the comfort of my home.
Its been a rough ride. The epidural I had only worked on one side so I was in absolute agony, which really held back my progress. That and the epidural made my right leg numb so I couldnt walk, also hindering my progress.
It was a viscous circle. They encourage you to be up and about and eating the day after the surgery.
I was in too much pain to eat, too much pain to even consider getting out of bed. But feeling sick because I wasnt eating or moving.
Slowly bit by bit Id get better. Tubes and drips were being removed, tablets introduced.
Little by little. Until one day I felt strong enough to have a proper meal, pasta and mince sauce.
Ten minutes later I felt sick, my body was rejecting solid food after not eating properly for 4 days. Alas I got an anti sickness injection and fell asleep.
from then things got better, I was walking more, eating a little bit more and then got discharged on Tuesday 18.01.11
Its hard.
I cant walk up a flight of stairs without wanting to go to sleep afterwards.
The first time I changed my stoma, last night, I cried. The stitches are still in which made it look worse but I just felt so… God I dont know how many emotions were running through me. Just wanted to feel normal, but how could I with this coming out of me.
Last night as I was lying down, Im currently sleeping on a blow up matress in my mums front room I said to my mum
“Sometimes I regret opting for the surgery”
Its weird.
Sometimes I feel like having Colitis, the pain the meds I had to take everyday, not eating certain things would be a better life than the one I lead now.
Really though Im being silly. Having the pouch allows me to live without the meds or the pain everyday but whose to say the pouch will work? And if it doesnt Ive screwed myself over because although having the bag was sooo annoying, I could cope with it. If the pouch doesnt work then I have to go back to the bag anyway but it wont be the same as before and might not work as well.
Its a risk Im willing to take at a chance to hopefully have a normal life again.

People keep telling me how brave I am. I dont see this is courage.
This is something I have to do. To fulfil… I dont know what Im meant to do with my life but it was never an option for me to opt to have a bag for life when there was a chance I might not have to have one.
There are people who risk their lives everyday for other people. Thats being brave.
This is something, in my mind, I had to do.
Im hurting right now, and feeling pretty shit about everything but it will get better. I have to pray that it does or what else do I have?

Everyone is being amazing and very supportive. My mum is looking after me, making sure I dont do anything Im not meant to. Friends have come to see me in hospital whilst Ive been tres drugged up and confused.
I just have to get through this surgery and the next and fingers crossed it will be plain sailing from there!

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