The Mentality of Fuck It

When I woke up this morning, the sun was shining. I stretched and rolled over and saw my boyfriend sleeping. He looked so peaceful. 
It smelt really lovely, the beginnings of spring and was so warm. I read for a while before The Boyfriend woke up smiled at me sleepily put his arms around me and fell back to sleep nuzzled in my neck whilst I continued to read. 
At that moment I couldn’t have been happier. 
Sometimes I need to take a few moments and reassess myself, my situation. 
The places where I’m not so happy, I can change… I need to remind myself that I have plenty to be grateful for.
I’m a terrible worrier and I try to plan for everything which is pointless. You can have ideas in life, things that you would like to do/achieve but you can’t really plan too far ahead because life will just chuck something in the way. 
It’s taken me a long time to figure it out and I’m still learning and trying not to plan too far ahead. 
Not going to lie, its hard trying to break a habit that I’ve been doing for years. 
Something else I’m trying to break/sort is my eating mentality. 
I’ve become.. shall we say obsessed, yes horrible word but fitting, with everything I eat. Calorie counting and all that jazz. I’ve lost some weight and for once in my life I’m actually happy with my size but trying to maintain it is hard and I’m driving myself and others crazy with it. 
I need to chill the fuck out if I’m being honest. 
I’ve spent years hating the way I look especially with steroids making me put on weight which I can’t shift. 
Hate is a strong word but its true. A strong deep hate, I was repulsed by what I saw in the mirror. I know a lot of people reading this will be like what?!?!? but its just the way I felt, I can’t help it but its time to change that.
Funny thing was though it was not what I did that made me take a step back it was what a friend did. 
So many of my friends are so weight obsessed to the point of eating disorders. Some purposely skip meals to keep their shape, others work out at the gym to the point of exhaustion, some even do both. 
I commented recently on how well a friend of mine looked, she looked beautiful (she’s one of the best looking girls I know) but what I was great with was
“Yeah but I still need to lose another stone” 
Her weight is healthy, she looks flippin’ awesome! 
Is this what the world has become? That we can’t even take compliments any more. She’s not the only one and not even the worst I’ve heard but it really got to me. When will it stop, when will we all just love ourselves? 
So this is where I say fuck it. 
I’m going start eating healthily and trying to exercise more and try my damnedest to not feel guilty about eating a bit of chocolate or a piece of cake. Its going to be hard as I scrutinise everything and feel guilty if I don’t eat right but this is no life. 
I’m sick of it, sick of feeling horrible about myself, sick of looking in the mirror and only seeing faults. I have to learn to love myself.  
Sick that a lot of my female friends are very weight conscious but in a really unhealthy way. Being surrounded by this isn’t healthy either because I feel guilty that I’m not watching what I eat, or that because I’ve got a few extra pounds I need to shift I feel horrible and fat and disgusting because all my friends around me are obsessed with food.
When will enough be enough? Till you look so thin you look sick??? That you can’t enjoy life because you are too worried about how much you weigh? 
Its going to be hard breaking this habit, and I don’t think I can ever really let it go, mainly because I like wearing nice clothes but I can start to try and sort out my mentality about all this. 
If the people around me are going to obsess about it, that’s cool, yeah you may look skinny but what’s the chances that you’re happy?
Fuck it.
I’m going to Rome and I’m going to have sooo much pizza and pasta, ice cream (is it gelato or gelati?? haha) I’m then going to Paris with my best friend Mia and oh wow we are totally going to town on those macaroons, cake and god know what else. 
And I’m going to try my hardest to enjoy and not feel guilty because I need to start loving me. 

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