What The Hell Am I Doing With My Life?

Unfortunately this is a question that regularly pops into my head. Especially on days like today where I am just sitting about in my Pjs doing absolutely nothing productive or challenging in the slightest. 
People are forever telling me that it’s okay because I’m young, some of the most interesting people I know don’t know what they’re doing with themselves. I wonder sometimes whether these are just answers given to make the person feel that little bit better they’re a tad aimless. 

From a young age I knew I wanted to act. I’d sign myself up for any productions, in secondary school I attended youth theatre. 
For a levels I chose Art, Drama and English. I knew I wanted to go to university and not drama school as I wanted a degree. 
After Uni I was going to get acting work and see what happens. Knowing that I didn’t want to be rich and famous I just want to do something that makes me happy. 
So why am I not doing that?
Why am I in a job that I really dislike and at present the mere thought of going back makes me feel a little sick and light headed. 
There are several reasons for this. Let me see if I can put it into some sort of time order for you to understand better. 

I left uni feeling broken. My illness had prevented me from achieving what I wanted. I was so exhausted constantly from classes that going home to log book/research was such a mountain I ended up sleeping mostly. I never told my tutors because, well, I was told that whatever is outside the classroom stays outside sort of thing. Yet how can I keep all my issues outside when as an actor my tool is my body and I was sick? They didn’t want to hear it so I never told them. Therefore not getting where I wanted. That and the weird issue I had that when it came to a performance with an audience something stopped. The magic that the tutors saw in rehearsals and in class disappeared. Nerves? Maybe. I’m not sure. 
I did wonder to myself on countless occasions whether I had chosen the right profession and whether I could actually act but I was told on so many occasions from my tutors that there is something that I have that the they couldn’t quite put their finger on. There’s something there that they wanted to see. That, coupled with the fact I am good emotionally connecting to a character, have a great sense of empathy and amongst a load of other stuff I was told I have come to the conclusion that I can act. 
I just have no confidence and it cripples me. Stops me from being an ‘all right’ actor to a ‘brilliant’ one 
By the way what was said above is not me blowing my own trumpet, I was told this. 

Moving on, so after uni I decided I wanted to travel, broaden my horizons, see more things, ultimately helping me as an actor. Its all about experience at the end of the day isn’t it?
So I grabbed a bar job to help for when travelling. 
Then BAM. My illness once more rears its ugly head in ways that I couldn’t imagine and I have to have surgery. 
Another year out or so to get well. 
Stuck in a job that I once loved, I now detest. I can’t leave because I am too sick to be hired what with up coming surgeries. I was only meant to be there temporarily to save money for travelling. 

What do I do? 
I had confidence issues before but now with the bag my confidence is at an all time low. That and I haven’t acted in so long I’m not sure what the hell I’m doing. 
I’m drifting along at present. 

Although it is not all doom and gloom, I have amazing family and friends. They support me through everything.
A wonderful boyfriend who I connect with on so many different levels, who I love completely and unconditionally always. Its rare to find that kind of love. Someone who will push you to be all you can be and stand by and support you whilst you do it. Someone who I can laugh and have fun with, be myself with. Honest, trustworthy, kind, considerate. Hell the boy brought tickets to Rome as a “get well soon present” believe me I am very aware that I am so lucky to have him. 
My last surgery is in sight and in the distance is a glimmer of all the travelling I will be doing once well. 

I know all this, I know there are so many people out there who have far less than me, are going through worse journeys than I am.
I am just deeply aware that something is missing at present and that I am in no position right now to change it. 
Perhaps this is why I am at a loss. Usually you can change your circumstances but at the moment I can’t. 
I don’t want to wish my life away but I can’t help at the moment wishing that it would speed up a little.
So I will wipe away my tears and get on with it, because moping will not in any way help me. I just needed to write it out and then I shall continue with my day a little bit clearer. 
Take a nice deep breathe and have a cuppa I think 🙂 
Have a good day everyone 😀

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