When I wrote my previous blog I was really inspired to write again. I had high aspirations for myself; had made lists. I had loads of ideas on what to write and with the time off I currently have, I was ready to throw myself in and get cracking.
Except the last few weeks have been really hard and I have found myself in quite a dark place. Steroids do not help my mental state, it seems that every course I go on, the side effects are worse. I’ve been on 40mg for the past 8 weeks and I really can’t wait to taper off them. Battling with low moods (and that’s a nice way of putting it) in general is hard enough without medication sticking its unwanted nose in too.
“Heeeeey you” depression eyes me up with a hint of a smirk, “I brought friends”
Anxiety gently shakes in the corner, whilst Medication takes his jacket off and climbs into bed with me.
“But I have to get up, I need to make breakfast, shower, go for a walk, I’ve got things to do. I don’t need, no, I don’t want you here”
Medication strokes my hair and Depression sits at the end of my bed.
“Why would you do that? You don’t need to do any of that.” He looks at me whilst lighting up a cigarette.
“You can’t smoke in my room, get out, go away” I try to sit up.
Medication puts his arms around me, nuzzles in closer. Depression chuckles, whilst Anxiety decides she wants a piece of the action and gets into bed too.
“Seriously, get the fuck out of here”
“Temper, Stephanie. That’s not very nice is it?” He spills ash on my bed. I sigh and close my eyes, realising he’s not going anywhere.
I would regard myself as a positive person, a fighter. I don’t want to be here talking about all the things that are wrong with me or the things that I can’t do but it seems as though that would be an unfair representation of the illness/struggle.
It is not all motivational pep talks in my head about how I can fight this and how I will get better. The last few weeks have more been on the side of “what’s the point?”
That’s awful! I don’t want to feel like that. I don’t want to wake up and just listlessly go through my day with Depression holding my hand, Medication on my back and Anxiety running in cirlces around me. I’m tired of friends asking me how I am and my response isn’t a positive one because I really want it to be positive, I really want to say “I’m not 100% but I’m getting there”
I’m afraid I don’t have any sparkles of good news for you.
But this is the reality of it and I thought I’d share with you what’s going on so that if any of you are in this position right now, you don’t feel so alone.
How am I coping? Well I’m trying to cut myself a little slack. There is a lot going on, mentally and physically, and beating myself up about not feeling particularly chipper is not going to help me.
It’s all about those baby steps. Small things that help me to feel a little better. That could be anything from reading, a cup of tea or a chat with a friend.
Keeping busy. Or at least trying to. I’m a little limited in what I can do without my body saying “nope, had enough buddy, you’re taking a time out” and sitting me down. Having said that I don’t want to mope around in my pjs all day so I go for walks, take really rubbish pictures on my iPhone, meet friends for tea. We’re always coming back to tea. I research things about Ayurveda medicine and the immune system.
I read lots of blogs and soon I will be getting involved in all things Christmas. Side note. I love Christmas. I used to hide and grumble about not really giving a fuck but truth be told I really love the festive season. Glitter, mince pies and festive cheer. Love. It.
It’s not much, and compared to what I used to do (hold down a full time job and an active social life) it’s pretty meagre in comparison.
However, that’s just the way things are right now. Its better that I accept it than try to fight it and make myself feel even worse. It’s just a temporary state and I’m sure that in a few months I’ll look back and all this will just be something that I went through and came out on the other side.
I’ve rambled enough so I will bid you goodbye but for any of you who are struggling out there know that this too shall pass. Nothing is permanent and hopefully soon we’ll all be back to throwing out sparkles and glitter. Till then here are some things that made me smile recently.
♥ Filter coffee from Federation at Brixton.
♥ Flowers. I went to a flower market recently and brought some beautiful peonies. The day was lovely and I got to catch up with a good friend, drink tea and have lovely chats.
♥ Today some random dude in Brixton looked over at some pigeons, then at me and said “ooo, pigeons” as though I had never seen them before. I smiled polietly, willing the lights to change so I could run away.
“Very spiritual, that.”
A massive flock of them flew into the sky and he goes “oh look, some sparrows.”
No dude, still pigeons. Change, lights. For the love of God, change.