Never Give Up

I finally have access to the internet!

Happy new year guys!

Its always fitting that the first post of the new year is about reflection and thoughts on moving forward.
The beginning of 2012 saw me confused and unsure as to whether I would reach my goal of getting to Australia. My pouchitis was so bad that my surgeon warned me that I might not be able to go in September. So what did I do? Book my flights to Australia. There was no way in hell, I was delaying this again. I was angry that the medications were failing me, angry that my surgeon wasn’t doing everything in his power to help me, so I said sod it and booked my flights.

Reckless perhaps? Completely. If I didn’t have the go ahead from my surgeon, I couldn’t get insurance. But I had had enough of this disease dictating what was going to happen. In my mind I decided that I was going and nothing was going to stop me.
In the mean time I tried several antibiotics, all of which didn’t work. This increased my disappointment with my medical support. If the doctors weren’t willing to try something different, think outside the box to get rid of the pouchitis, how was it ever going to go away? I resigned myself to the fact that I would always have pouchitis and that I better just make the best of a bad situation.

Life said “pfffft that’s not happening” and the boys mum intervened. She sent me a giant package from Australia with things to try. Probiotics, a product called gut relief, teas, drops to help alleviate stress, you name it, it was in the magical box.
I stuck two fingers up at my healthcare professionals, who were clearly just treating me as a number and not a person; and decided to do it my way.
I came off antibiotics.
I didn’t die. I spent the next few weeks thinking my body would just pack up and I’d end up in hospital, with the drs laughing with glee.
But I didn’t. I didn’t get better but I didn’t get worse.
Slowly things started improving. I had less of the gurgling cow tummy rumbles(please see the hummus post for gurgling cow reference) and generally was in less pain. The bleeding calmed down. Things were on the up.
The last meeting with my surgeon, he practically washed his hands of me! I went to say that I needed a medical letter from him and he asked me how I was doing. Once I had responded with all my good news, and he realised he wouldn’t be seeing me for at least another year, he might a well pushed me out the door.
“I’ll write you up a letter, keep up what you’re doing, I might not see you in a year, I’m hoping to get early retirement”
Okay then, See you later! And I walked out his clinic.

September 18th I boarded one long ass flight to Australia.

2012 has been a big year of ups and downs but ultimately  what I can take away from that year is that I had a goal. And I achieved that goal despite having all my problems. Don’t you think for a second that IBD will stop you achieving all that your heart desires. It will make things harder for sure, but never ever think that your dreams are unattainable because you have a disease. I am living proof that despite everything you can achieve anything you set you set your mind to.

So for 2013 I’m going to dream bigger and better than ever before, and I hope you guys do to. I won’t let IBD define who I am or what I can achieve. Never, ever give up your dreams just because IBD says so. You can, and you will achieve them, it might take a little more time but you’ll get there. Trust me.

There is light at the end of this gloomy tunnel

“You can sound the alarm, you can call out your guards
you can fence in your yard, you can pull all the cards
but I won’t back down, oh no I wont back down
” Eminem, Won’t Back Down

What a week. 
I have been tested in unimaginable ways. To be told that I don’t have cancer or have to have surgery, to be then told I have chronic pouchitis. That I will be on long term antibiotics, and that my pouch will always give me problems.
All in a few days. 

My surgeon was not best pleased. “Why does it always happen to the loveliest of people” with those words I broke into tears in total agreement, why? Why does it have to happen to me? Why do I get all this bad luck my way? Tears streaming down my face and so many questions in my eyes.
He must get it a lot for he took it all in his stride telling me that life wasn’t far but we’re just going to have to get on through it. 

This week has told me that it’s okay to have a break down. I am after all, human. I can’t be strong all the time, and with everything that I am facing, its completely normal to gorge on chocolate, having it smeared over my face, mingled with the tears as I sobbed “Why me?” 
Obviously that wasn’t what really happened, I just watched TV and, respectably, ate some chocolate.
As The Boy pointed out, most people would have quit a long time ago, so its completely fine to take the odd timeout. 

The Boy has been amazing as always. Piecing together my broken spirit with his calm soothing words. His support is unwavering, which means the absolute world to me. 
He may not be the most vocal of fellows, or the most opinionated but he is always there, his presence always felt. 

Taking a day to allow myself to feel completely broken has allowed me to feel stronger about everything. It pushed me to apply for my Australian Visa. 
Sure I may go through more than my fair share of bad luck but its what I make of it. I can sit and wonder why or I can live my life. I can be sad and miserable about it or I can continue being happy with all the amazing things that I do have in my life. 

This is just another hurdle in the road I am following. I will overcome this, there’s the fodmap diet that I am going to try and no doubt document my journey. 
And if my visa gets approved then I will finally be on my way to Australia. 
Things are on the look up, I just need to trust it and believe in myself. I can overcome anything if I try hard enough. I’ve never given up before, I sure won’t stop now.